I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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