why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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