have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
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