I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
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