One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
