Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
