i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
The cops high fived after they tackled you
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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