just realized i've hooked up with 3/4 of the guys here COOL
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
