she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
