y did u give ur computer a hand job?
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Randomize
