Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Randomize
