Too much gin, very little bucket
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
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