thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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