so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
