What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
