Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
i love accidental penises.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Randomize
