Whatcha textin bout Willis?
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
