We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
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