Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
