she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
