I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Randomize
