Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
only you would photoshop your dick
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
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