if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize
