we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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