It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
