I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
