So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
