you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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