Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
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