I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
Come see our sink grown plant.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Randomize
