Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
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