i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
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