Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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