i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Let's paint friendship bongs
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
