This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
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