My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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