5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
I think I am morally bankrupt
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize
