can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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