he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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