Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
