Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
