i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
