from now on my penis is your penis
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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