Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
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