I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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