I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
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