Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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