im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
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