My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
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