I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
